The real Pinocchio never became a real boy. His creator carved in him the most selfish, arrogant, immature brat he could imagine and sent his creation off to die to show those kids a lesson. But he must have made him too disobedient, cause though his wooden bones grew dry and cracked, and his joints rusted and his painted eyes grew cloudy, he never did die.

And since he had nothing better to do, he spent his days out on the water in a small wooden boat, fishing. Now he didn’t need to fish to eat, of course, he would pull up whatever was on the line just to watch it wiggle and gasp in the foreign air and the little wooden puppet would laugh and taunt at it. And more out of bordeom than mercy he'd eventually cut the line and send the poor thing splashing back into the water.

Until one day, when under the warm sun and with absolutely nothing on his mind to worry him, he let the waves rock him to sleep. And he didn’t see the great barnacled tail that rose up off the rowboat’s port side… Or hear the mighty spout of water on the starboard… Deep in his ignorant sleep, he didn’t notice anything strange at all, until —

SNAP!

— he was caught in the jaws of a huge saltwater fish. The same great beast that had swalloed him so many years ago, which he had only escaped with the help of a small fire and a passing tuna fish.

He was delighted to find that the whale wasn't able to digest him, being made of sturdy oak and metal. He was even more delighted to find there were plenty of fish in there with him! And so he set up his hook and line, and was content again.

Until the line started to pull, and pull, and he pulled back, and back, until he gave a big heave and reeled in — an old drowned cat! He knew this cat, he had tried to steal from him on the road.

CAT:
Pinocchio, Pinocchio, I’m so glad to see you!
Reel me in, reel me in!
I’ll take the nails from your wooden knees and we’ll stab the tongue of the beast!
And he’ll surely let us free.

PINNOCHIO:
The nails from my knees? But I’ll fall apart!
You stole from me once, when you’d run out of bread.
The whale can’t hurt me, it just wouldn’t be smart.
A thief can’t repent so he’s better off dead.
Why is your life my problem?
And he cut the line and sang:

I aint got no strings on me
Got no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
Cause the acid killed all the cat’s fleas
Don’t tie your strings to me

NARRATION:
And again he cast out his line, and this time he reeled in — an old haggard fox! He knew this fox, too, for she worked with the cat.

FOX:
Pinocchio, Pinocchio, I’m so glad to see you!
Reel me in, reel me in!
I’ll sharpen the sticks at the end of your feet and stab the gums of the beast.
And he’ll surely let us free.

PINNOCHIO:
Sharpen my sticks? But how will I walk?
You lied to me once, and I don’t trust your eyes
The whale can’t hurt me, this fear is all talk
Aren’t all foxes meant to be slimy and sly?
Why is your life my problem?
And he cut the line and sang:

I aint got no strings on me
Got no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
Cause the whale ignored the fox’s pleas
And the acid killed all the cat’s fleas
Don’t tie your strings to me

NARRATION:
And again he cast out his line, and this time he reeled in — the marionette master Mangiafuoco, with his long black beard tangled with sea kelp, and bright red eyes pleading.

MANGIAFUOCO:
Pinocchio, Pinocchio, remember me and my theater!
Reel me in, reel me in!
We’ll tie our clothes into a rope and safely climb out the creature’s throat.
And he’ll surely let us free.

PINNOCHIO:
Tie up my clothes? But I’d tear my nice coat!
Your plays promote rascals and freaks of all kinds
The whale can’t hurt me, why it keeps us afloat
Think of the children, you’ll poison their minds
Why is your life my problem?
And he cut the line and sang:

I aint got no strings on me
Got no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
Cause it ate the puppet owner’s seat
And the whale ignored the fox’s pleas
And the acid killed all the cat’s fleas
Don’t tie your strings to me

NARRATION:
And again he cast out his line, and this time he reeled in — his old friend Candlewick, now all grown up!

CANDLEWICK:
Pinocchio, Pinocchio, we were schoolboys together!
Reel me in, reel me in!
Let’s take the wires from your springs we’ll climb and pull the creature’s teeth.
And he’ll surely let us free.

PINNOCHIO:
Take out my springs? My step would lose vim!
Since you finished school you’re no fun anymore
The whale can’t hurt me, would you rather swim?
Lets just disagree and not make this a chore
Why is your life my problem?
And he cut the line and sang:

I aint got no strings on me
Got no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
Cause the schoolfriend made a tasty treat
And it ate the puppet owner’s seat
And the whale ignored the fox’s pleas
And the acid killed all the cat’s fleas
Don’t tie your strings to me

NARRATION:
This was such a lucky day for fishing! He cast out his line again, and before long there came another tug on the other end. He pulled and pulled and pulled up — his own father Geppetto, now quite ancient and half blind!

GEPPETTO:
Pinocchio, Pinocchio, it’s me, your father!
Reel me in, reel me in!
Let’s yell very loud and rattle his ears, the beast’s headache will move him to tears
And he’ll surely let us free.

PINNOCHIO:
You want me to yell? I’ll hurt my poor throat!
You’re too old to work and you’re too old to see
The whale can’t hurt me, you senile old goat
Why should I pay so that you live for free?
Why is your life my problem?
And he cut the line and sang:

I aint got no strings on me
Got no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
Cause Geppetto turned to cottage cheese
And the schoolfriend made a tasty treat
And it ate the puppet owner’s seat
And the whale ignored the fox’s pleas
And the acid killed all the cat’s fleas
Don’t tie your strings to me

NARRATION:
And again he cast out his line, and this time he reeled in — a beautiful ball of shimmering light, the blue fairy herself!!

BLUE FAIRY:
Pinocchio, Pinocchio, remember me!
Reel me in, reel me in!
I’ll rest and dry my fragile wings, and calm the fish with spells I’ll sing
And he’ll surely let us free.

PINNOCHIO:
Give you shelter with me? You’ll get me on some list
Why would I trust a girl with her hair dyed blue?
The whale can’t hurt me, you sly terrorist
And I bet that you have pronouns too!
Why is your life my problem?
And he cut the line and sang:

I aint got no strings on me
Got no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
Cause the fairy gave it Crohn’s Disease
And Geppetto turned to cottage cheese
And the schoolfriend made a tasty treat
And it ate the puppet owner’s seat
And the whale ignored the fox’s pleas
And the acid killed all the cat’s fleas
Don’t tie your strings to me

NARRATION:
Now on the line was the faintest of tugs, and he thought it may have just been the current, but he pulled up the hook anyway. And when he peered in close, what did he see but — a tiny cricket, clutching on to the end of the hook for dear life.

CRICKET:
Pinocchio, remember me, your little friend the cricket
Reel me in, reel me in!
I can’t help much, I’m weak and wee
But at least you’ll have some company
Maybe someday we’ll be free—

WHACK!

PINNOCHIO:
I aint got no strings on me
Got no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
Cause the cricket’s smashed into debris
And the fairy gave it Crohn’s Disease
And Geppetto turned to cottage cheese
And the schoolfriend made a tasty treat
And it ate the puppet owner’s seat
And the whale ignored the fox’s pleas
And the acid killed all the cat’s fleas
Don’t tie your strings to me

NARRATION:
Now he was getting pretty tied, he'd had a long day of fishing and was about ready for another nap. But he couldn't give up on such a lucky streak, and decided to cast out one last time. It started to pull, and pull, until it nearly pulled him off his seat! And when he finally won this tug-of0war he found at the end of the hook — a huge tuna fish! The same one that had saved him the last time. Though, he may have regretted that decision.

He didn't stop a second to beg for help, or even open his mouth, but dived immidiately back down into the water of the creature's mouth, pulling the light wooden puppet down with him!

Pinocchio gripped the fishing pole as the tuna pulled him fast through the water and into the fish’s throat. Where his wooden body smashed against the walls of flesh and his feet and hands broke off into sharp points. One leg stuck in here, and another arm in there, a foot over here, and soon he was stuck fast in the creature’s insides. And the whale choked to death on the little wooden puppet, and the two of them sank together down down down to the bottom of the sea.

PINNOCHIO:
I aint got no strings on me
Got no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
The tuna swam home safe and free
But the cricket’s smashed into debris
And the fairy gave it Crohn’s Disease
And Geppetto turned to cottage cheese
And the schoolfriend made a tasty treat
And it ate the puppet owner’s seat
And the whale ignored the fox’s pleas
And the acid killed all the cat’s fleas
No, he had no strings you see, had no ‘sponsibilities
Take it up with the whale and the powers that be
Now he lies trapped at the bottom of the sea
He’s still alive down there, and you’ll still hear him sing
"Don't tie your strings to me"